"It's never going to happen between us."
Seven little words, but seven absolutely devastating words. A lot of us have heard them and a lot of us die when we hear them. When I heard them, a small part of me curled up and died, shriveled up and died. It's a hard situation to explain, and in a lot of ways, I'm pretty broken up about it all. I'm ashamed in myself for letting myself fall into the same trap.
Yet I'm not.
The happiest I've ever been was when I was dating this girl. I'll call her Alice. We met at Utah State, went on some dates, and got really close. I fell in love and in that love, I desperately tried to hold on to her. I would have given everything. I would have given up who I was, my very being, everything to be with her at that time. Granted, that was an absolute flaw in myself and I acknowledge that, but it was who I was. I was focused on loving her and being everything I could for her. She meant everything for me. Do you know that feeling? Ya know, the feeling that you would give your very soul for someone or something? I know it well now, so there's a silver lining.
Do you know what it's like to get close to someone that cares about you and you care about them? When you care about each other, you become close, you learn everything about each other. You learn what makes each other tick and what the other person loves. You learn how to tease each other, how to comfort each other. When one of you is bogged down by grief and pain, when it feels like the world is crumbling, like the atmosphere is giving way and is choking you... you have each other. This is love or something like it. I can't say now that I know if what I felt was love, but it was the closest to it. In that way, I felt that way toward that person. We had each other in everything. At least, that's what we told each other, and I don't think we were wrong when we said those things. And that's the fun thing about love, affection, 'liking' each other: you always have someone.
I treasure the times I had with her. I know her better than anyone. Almost better than myself... Ah, I'm really struggling to write this because of how fresh it is. I treasure the memories I have with her. I treasure the closeness I've felt to her. But man, suddenly knowing that I can't ever have that with her again... that's what tears me apart. It will always be different, regardless of if you stay close to that person. It will always be different for me. I don't know how I can stay friends with her, because the pain when I see her just swells up. Knowing we'll always be "just friends" when we know each other so well and have such great conversations tears me up. It will always be right in my face, taunting me with what could be. Always.
This happened before. She broke it off then. And I was devastated. When that happened, I thought I would never see her again. Then, out of the blue, she came back. Well, that was more me than anything. But we got close again. It wasn't a relationship, but we both cared about each other. Time passed and things changed. She left for a time, but that was to go on a mission. We emailed each other over that time. She came back. We got close again.
Then those words. Those damned words.
I'm angry and I'm sad and unhappy and disappointed. It doesn't matter that we were close. All that matters is the pain and anger I feel. I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at me. I hyped myself up. I let myself think something would happen. I flew to close to the sun and I plummeted to the Earth. Meh, I'm being melodramatic. Basically I let this happen to myself, which is the funny thing about love. You either end up with that person or you don't. You end up happy with that or you don't. I'm in pain and I don't know what to do or where to go.
I can't believe I let this happen again... but I can. Because the pain was worth it after all the happiness I felt with her. I'm falling apart here but I can't forget those times. I'm angry, but I can't be angry at her for following her heart. I'm angry at me. I'm angry I let this happen again. I'm angry I let myself feel these feelings again. I'm angry that I did this despite knowing what was coming.
Those words sting in my ears "it's never going to happen between us." She didn't mean to hurt me, I know that. But I'm hurting anyway. That's love, I guess. It's just happiness or pain. This time it's pain. Right now, I don't know how there can be a next time. There won't be one with her, I think. I can't think about a next time because this pain and this rage consumes me. I don't know how to let it go.
In the end, I don't really have much to say here. It's rage seething out my fingertips. It's sadness after rejection flowing through my hands. I needed to vent because I have nowhere else to turn. I'm hurting.
Love sucks. Go figure.
Seven little words, but seven absolutely devastating words. A lot of us have heard them and a lot of us die when we hear them. When I heard them, a small part of me curled up and died, shriveled up and died. It's a hard situation to explain, and in a lot of ways, I'm pretty broken up about it all. I'm ashamed in myself for letting myself fall into the same trap.
Yet I'm not.
The happiest I've ever been was when I was dating this girl. I'll call her Alice. We met at Utah State, went on some dates, and got really close. I fell in love and in that love, I desperately tried to hold on to her. I would have given everything. I would have given up who I was, my very being, everything to be with her at that time. Granted, that was an absolute flaw in myself and I acknowledge that, but it was who I was. I was focused on loving her and being everything I could for her. She meant everything for me. Do you know that feeling? Ya know, the feeling that you would give your very soul for someone or something? I know it well now, so there's a silver lining.
Do you know what it's like to get close to someone that cares about you and you care about them? When you care about each other, you become close, you learn everything about each other. You learn what makes each other tick and what the other person loves. You learn how to tease each other, how to comfort each other. When one of you is bogged down by grief and pain, when it feels like the world is crumbling, like the atmosphere is giving way and is choking you... you have each other. This is love or something like it. I can't say now that I know if what I felt was love, but it was the closest to it. In that way, I felt that way toward that person. We had each other in everything. At least, that's what we told each other, and I don't think we were wrong when we said those things. And that's the fun thing about love, affection, 'liking' each other: you always have someone.
I treasure the times I had with her. I know her better than anyone. Almost better than myself... Ah, I'm really struggling to write this because of how fresh it is. I treasure the memories I have with her. I treasure the closeness I've felt to her. But man, suddenly knowing that I can't ever have that with her again... that's what tears me apart. It will always be different, regardless of if you stay close to that person. It will always be different for me. I don't know how I can stay friends with her, because the pain when I see her just swells up. Knowing we'll always be "just friends" when we know each other so well and have such great conversations tears me up. It will always be right in my face, taunting me with what could be. Always.
This happened before. She broke it off then. And I was devastated. When that happened, I thought I would never see her again. Then, out of the blue, she came back. Well, that was more me than anything. But we got close again. It wasn't a relationship, but we both cared about each other. Time passed and things changed. She left for a time, but that was to go on a mission. We emailed each other over that time. She came back. We got close again.
Then those words. Those damned words.
I'm angry and I'm sad and unhappy and disappointed. It doesn't matter that we were close. All that matters is the pain and anger I feel. I'm not angry at her. I'm angry at me. I hyped myself up. I let myself think something would happen. I flew to close to the sun and I plummeted to the Earth. Meh, I'm being melodramatic. Basically I let this happen to myself, which is the funny thing about love. You either end up with that person or you don't. You end up happy with that or you don't. I'm in pain and I don't know what to do or where to go.
I can't believe I let this happen again... but I can. Because the pain was worth it after all the happiness I felt with her. I'm falling apart here but I can't forget those times. I'm angry, but I can't be angry at her for following her heart. I'm angry at me. I'm angry I let this happen again. I'm angry I let myself feel these feelings again. I'm angry that I did this despite knowing what was coming.
Those words sting in my ears "it's never going to happen between us." She didn't mean to hurt me, I know that. But I'm hurting anyway. That's love, I guess. It's just happiness or pain. This time it's pain. Right now, I don't know how there can be a next time. There won't be one with her, I think. I can't think about a next time because this pain and this rage consumes me. I don't know how to let it go.
In the end, I don't really have much to say here. It's rage seething out my fingertips. It's sadness after rejection flowing through my hands. I needed to vent because I have nowhere else to turn. I'm hurting.
Love sucks. Go figure.
I think you have a good enough perspective buried deep in that hurt that you will be able to move forward in time. Love brings the highest highs and the lowest lows like you said, but it will always be worth it to open your heart even if it makes you vulnerable. Keep pushing on, and hope and love will come back. -タッカー兄弟
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